"Just Like You..."

Last night I had an epiphany. I was laying in bed with Maddox, and we were talking about our fun weekend. I was telling him how much fun I had with him, and how much I was going to miss him today as he went back to his mom's house. I struggle often times with trying to be the perfect dad. It's an inner battle with myself, and it's a battle with time. I know that I don't quite get him 50% of the time. That's hard for many reasons, for one, I want to be a good dad. I want him to feel that I'm invested and involved in his life, that I'm there for him no matter what. And in full disclosure I struggle with feelings of inadequacy, and it's hard to think of myself as not being the most influential male figure in the life of my own son. This sounds selfish, immature, maybe even a little bit greedy. It's a battle with time, because I only get him about 40% of the time, and quite frankly, it sucks. I feel like I'm always racing to make up for the 60% of the time that I don't have him. Sometimes I wonder if he gets it. He's 3, he is excited to see me, loves coming to my house, etc. But it's hard not to feel like I'm in an uphill battle to establish the father/son relationship and life that I want with him. Everytime I discipline him I second guess myself. I always wonder if that's what he keeps in his little memory when he goes home to his mom. "Daddy put me in timeout 5 times, daddy is mean." I know this sounds ridiculous, and even if that were the case it would be better than the alternative, "daddy is soft, I can do whatever I want at his house and get away with it." But this is the type of stuff that enters my head. Being a good dad is such a focus in my life, that sometimes I let it get in the way of just being myself, and being what Maddox needs. That inner turmoil and strife can get in the way of listening to my fatherly instinct, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Anyways, back to my epiphany; we're laying there chatting it up, well, mostly me talking. Trying to convince him of what an amazing weekend we'd had. "We went swimming 4 times!!! That was so fun!!!! I can't believe those fireworks we watched!!!" And so I went on for a couple of minutes. And finally I told him, "Maddox, I'm so proud of you. You haven't had one accident the whole time you've been with daddy. That's 4 straight days of using the potty without 1 accident." He sat there for a minute, processed what I had just said, and got a big smile I could see through the darkness in the room. "Just like you daddy." I sat there just blown away by the sweetness of his tone. Then it hit me, he's trying to impress me just as much as I'm trying to impress him. Maybe I need to forget about myself a bit. I need to listen more to his needs, I need to tell him more how proud I am of his progress. How happy I am with who he's becoming. Somehow he thinks I'm pretty cool. And somehow he wants to be like me. So for one night I went to bed not tossing and worrying about what he thinks of me, and I hope he went to bed knowing what I think of him. I know that'll be the focus for me from now on, making sure that he does.