"Just Like You..."

Last night I had an epiphany. I was laying in bed with Maddox, and we were talking about our fun weekend. I was telling him how much fun I had with him, and how much I was going to miss him today as he went back to his mom's house. I struggle often times with trying to be the perfect dad. It's an inner battle with myself, and it's a battle with time. I know that I don't quite get him 50% of the time. That's hard for many reasons, for one, I want to be a good dad. I want him to feel that I'm invested and involved in his life, that I'm there for him no matter what. And in full disclosure I struggle with feelings of inadequacy, and it's hard to think of myself as not being the most influential male figure in the life of my own son. This sounds selfish, immature, maybe even a little bit greedy. It's a battle with time, because I only get him about 40% of the time, and quite frankly, it sucks. I feel like I'm always racing to make up for the 60% of the time that I don't have him. Sometimes I wonder if he gets it. He's 3, he is excited to see me, loves coming to my house, etc. But it's hard not to feel like I'm in an uphill battle to establish the father/son relationship and life that I want with him. Everytime I discipline him I second guess myself. I always wonder if that's what he keeps in his little memory when he goes home to his mom. "Daddy put me in timeout 5 times, daddy is mean." I know this sounds ridiculous, and even if that were the case it would be better than the alternative, "daddy is soft, I can do whatever I want at his house and get away with it." But this is the type of stuff that enters my head. Being a good dad is such a focus in my life, that sometimes I let it get in the way of just being myself, and being what Maddox needs. That inner turmoil and strife can get in the way of listening to my fatherly instinct, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Anyways, back to my epiphany; we're laying there chatting it up, well, mostly me talking. Trying to convince him of what an amazing weekend we'd had. "We went swimming 4 times!!! That was so fun!!!! I can't believe those fireworks we watched!!!" And so I went on for a couple of minutes. And finally I told him, "Maddox, I'm so proud of you. You haven't had one accident the whole time you've been with daddy. That's 4 straight days of using the potty without 1 accident." He sat there for a minute, processed what I had just said, and got a big smile I could see through the darkness in the room. "Just like you daddy." I sat there just blown away by the sweetness of his tone. Then it hit me, he's trying to impress me just as much as I'm trying to impress him. Maybe I need to forget about myself a bit. I need to listen more to his needs, I need to tell him more how proud I am of his progress. How happy I am with who he's becoming. Somehow he thinks I'm pretty cool. And somehow he wants to be like me. So for one night I went to bed not tossing and worrying about what he thinks of me, and I hope he went to bed knowing what I think of him. I know that'll be the focus for me from now on, making sure that he does.

Funny Little Quotes

One of the most fun parts of watching Maddox grow up is hearing the funny things he says. Lately he's been saying a lot. Everytime I call my mom and update her she always says, "you need to be writing these down." So I decided that I would start listing them as they happen.

Maddox loves talking about people's physical features. For some reason right now he notices people's hair quite a bit. The other day he told me that someone he knows who's bald is old. I asked why he was old and he said, "because he has no hair. Daddy, you're new, you have lots of hair."

He also loves cars. Summertime is a great time to see car shows all over the Salt Lake Valley or Utah County. We stop in every chance we get. He always yells, "look dad, it's a CLASSIC CAR!!!" Or my favorite when we leave and are driving on the road he'll see like a 2001 Dodge Caravan or something and yell, "LOOK DAD, IT'S A CLASSIC VAN!!!" Recently he's started to try and talk like a 'car guy.' "Look dad, that's a 97-90 9er!" Basically throw in a few numbers and it sounds like you know what you're talking about, you usually need to finish with a 9er at the end though. It gets me everytime. Just the other day we were at the movie theatre in the parking lot and we saw a 67 99er. It was freakin legit.

He's also been learning to pray for things that really matter to him. For example; his grandma Patty has a room that no kids are allowed to go in. This is a serious offense that can render significant consequenses. Maddox's little cousin "LaLa" as he calls her, is always breaking that rule and getting into trouble. During his prayers the other night he said, "...and Heavenly Father, please bless LaLa that she can stay out of Grandma Patty's room." I was so proud of him, he was showing so much concern and regard for his little cousin's well being. He was worried for her.

The little man is full of gems like these. I'll try to do a better job of keeping track of them. Maybe I need to get him his own twitter account.

Disneyland!!!

Maddox and I were fortunate enough to take a trip to Disneyland a couple of weeks back. It was a much needed getaway for two busy dudes such as us. We went down with my dad, and my brother. I learned a few things about my son, and about traveling with a 3 year old. First of all, being a dad at Disneyland is so much cooler than being a kid at Disneyland. I was so excited to see his reaction to everything. We laughed so hard at stuff together. I loved watching his face as we spun on the tea cups, floated passed the pirates, shot lasers at Buzz Lightyear's enemies, shot around the matterhorn, and enjoyed the $13 chocolate muffins we ate for breakfast or the $40 corn dogs we downed for lunch. He was such a little stud, attached is a video I took of us having fun on the autopia cars. When Maddox is grown up and I'm old I'll sit in my rocking chair watching this video while "Matlock" re-runs are going in the background. And I'll remember a time when my little dude and me laughed together at Disneyland. Another thing I learned, it's impossible to explain the concept of standing in a line to a 3 year old. Luckily it wasn't too busy there that day. Maddox liked lines about as much as he likes nap time. One more thing, little moments with your child are what life is all about. I have a clear picture in my mind of that entire day. It's still making me smile when I think about it. I think about his laugh at certain moments of the day when we'd go on certain rides. Luckily I went into the day with the mindset that I was going to take mental snapshots of everything. And I did, and it's been so great.

Some other lessons I learned from the trip include: Hand sanitizer is a freakin must. I about died having to take Maddox to use the bathroom in gas station bathrooms, I would hold him with one arm wrapped around his thighs the other around his chest, squeezing his chest and holding his arms to his side, so as to keep his hands from touching anything. Everytime he touches anything in a gas station bathroom I lose my shit. I freak out, that's seriously the only time that I ever yell at him. It's actually funny how he pees being held in the air, stiff as a board. So ya, hand sanitizer just in case he does touch anything and you don't think the trucker soap in the bathroom will do anything but make him smell like a cheap air freshener. We took Maddox to the Yankees/Angels game the last night we were in CA. It was so fun to see him and how he loved that game, and that beautiful park, such a great place to watch a game. But I learned that it's important to time your bathroom breaks around the time when the Angels (or the weaker batting lineup) are hitting. We almost missed A. Rod's mammoth bomb luckily we'd taken a break to left field so it actually landed right by us, had it happened one minute later or earlier we would've missed it. I was so concerned about him not peeing himself that I didn't think that through. Sun screen!!! I kept Maddox covered all weekend. He came back looking like his usual white self. I got killed by the sun and look like one of those old guys I see at the gym that think they look younger because they're reddish orange.

One last thing a friend once told me that your kids just get cooler to you as they get older, each new age brings with it new exciting things. I thought 2 was awesome but 3 is even better. When we pulled into our driveway after our trip to California, Maddox looked at me with his big "blue eyed beauties" as he calls them, and said "dad, thanks for going on the fun trip." That made the whole trip even sweeter. He was so grateful and loving. The conversations we have now are real conversations. The questions he asks me about my day and my life are real and sincere questions. When I pick him up he'll ask, "hey dad, how was your day at work?" He can sense when I'm feeling a certain way, if I'm down, he'll make sure I know how he feels about me. He almost always thanks me for little things we do, "dad thanks for taking me to shoot hoops, thanks for going swimming with me, thanks for going to church with me." One funny thing he does too is talk about which of The Beatles is his favorite. He always says, "dad, I'm George, you can be Paul or John." He never involves Ringo, he's already learned that Ringo was the worst Beatle. I was texting his mom the night we got back from California to make sure he was doing well after the trip, not too tired, behaving, etc. And we both couldn't help but getting emotional about how much he is growing up. I can't even talk about it without crying, and she's the same way. Both of us will just start crying the nights we don't have him at our respective houses and we talk on the phone with him. We're starting to get that feeling that our baby is becoming a little boy and it's so bitter sweet. I always hang up and cry and pull up some video I've taken of him and just sit back and laugh to get over the tears.

So...yah, that's pretty much where we're at. I swear I'll upload some of the video and pics that I've taken.

My little man is growing up. Here are some pictures of him a few weeks ago before he got a new haircut. I'll have to post some more pics soon, his new haircut makes him look like he's 5 years old. The bottom picture is of he and his little cousing Rhylin, my sister Kayli's baby. I love seeing him with the baby because it brings out a side of him that I don't get to see as much. He's more of a bigger brother when he's with her. Very caring and loving with her. Not that he isn't caring and loving with me and other family members, he definitely is. But with her he says things like, "I'm here for you baby," and "you're such a beautiful baby, I'll take care of you." Even though he looks like he's trying to apply the sleeper hold in the picture above, he's just trying to be a big boy and hold her.

Not much is new at our bachelor pad. Maddox woke up this morning at 6 am (this brought back memories of the first 2 years of his life.) He came into my room and tried climbing into my bed, quite the difficult task since my bed is pretty high up and when he grabs the sheets for leverage they come off of the bed. Finally after listening to him struggle and fight his way up I extended a hand. He got in bed with me, gave me a huge hug and kiss, and said, "dad, let's talk." He sat there and told me about his life, used me as a sounding board for all of the information in his head. I just listened, trying to get any bit of sleep I could until he would surely drag me out of bed. It's in these moments I realize just how much is going on in the little guy's head. He let me in on some pretty intense stuff. Like how he was driving a firetruck and he had to call his friend Lincoln to bring the fire helicopter so that they could put out a blazing fire at the pet store. He had to of course clear out all of the animals as well so they wouldn't get hurt. He also let me know for the 4 millionth time that red is his favorite color, and that he wants to go to Disneyland this summer. I hope he always feels that comfortable with me. I want him to always feel that he can tell me anything he has on his mind. I'll do my best to always be deserving of his trust. I love hearing what he has to say, especially now that it's so entertaining.

Basketball Player

I've already written on this blog about my son's love of basketball so I won't go more in depth on that in this post. This last weekend my mom purchased him a basketball uniform. He wore it all weekend, he loved putting it on and shooting hoops in it. Sunday afternoon we were sitting down watching the Spurs/Grizzlies game. Maddox was so happy to have a uniform on, I think he really felt like he was a part of the action. A few minutes into the game he poked me on the arm and said, "daddy?" "Yes Maddie?" I responded. "Daddy, I need you to draw my name on my muscle," pointing to his cute little upper arm. I realized he was talking about how he wanted to be a basketball player, and basketball players need tattoos nowadays to be taken seriously. I couldn't stop laughing, my little dude just wants to be a legit basketball player. I told him that not all basketball players "have their names drawn on their muscles." But I'm afraid it's becoming more and more difficult to find any on tv that don't.

A Birthday Letter To Maddox

I don't know why I have this ache in my heart today, or this frog in my throat. I'm not sure if it's because I miss you and wish I was with you on your special day, or because of the fact that time is going by way too fast and you're already 3 years old. I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday. In fact it feels like it was yesterday. Much has happened since then, some good, some bad. But everything involving you has been amazing. You're such a strong boy, and have been through so much in your short life. You amaze me everyday. Every person who comes in contact with you falls in love with you. I feel so lucky to be your dad, and never want to let you down. I'm still trying to learn to be a good daddy, and I appreciate your patience as I figure this whole thing out. I appreciate you being so caring, and loving. You always make my booboos and owies feel better when you give me kisses, even the ones on daddy's heart. I'm always here for you if you need me. All you have to do is call for me, whether I'm down the hall, or at my house when you're at mommy's house. I love you my Maddie, thank you for 3 amazing years, can't wait for the ones to follow.

Happy Birthday Maddox

Maddox's birthday party was Saturday. I have some great video and pictures of he and his buddies and family. I'll be uploading it later this week.